Mar. 23rd, 2010 04:02 pm
qantaqa: (naruto ~ >_<"")
Hello out there, here comes a short conclusion of this year's LBM.

To cut things short: It was the worst convention I ever had.
Not because of the con itself, not because of the people I hang around with... no.
Actually it was quite cool to have Fynn around and to meet up with Eric and Tom on Friday.
The cosplay competition was fine, too.
Had some fun with the other jury-members and later went around with Alex and then I met Franzi and Duc.
Sunday was okay, too.
Said hello to several ppl and hang out with Kasu.
All fine.... except: myself.

I never felt so utterly shitty during a convention.

If this should happen again, I will cancel on people.. because I don't want them to see me like this. I tried to keep things to myself, but sometimes, there were little break outs, I couldn't stop.
Uhm.. sorry again for that. >__<

What happened?
My cosplay was a mess. I mean.. a real mess.
I always tend to put things back, until a night before the convention, but everything worked out in the end.. well not everything, at least not this time.
Kaname's blouse was a horrible thing to do.
Actually it is not THAT difficult to make... I think.. and I already bought new fabrics to try it again, but last week was so full of emotional tohuwabohu that I wasn't able to handle it.
Cosplay drama, oh là là!

And.. well I wasn't in mood for a convention, to be honest. It was good to go there, because otherwise I would've spent the weekend at home being all gloomy, but it was hard not to whine and grump every second about how much things piss me off at the moment. ^^°°°

Yeah well... and I came to another conclusion.
I wrote an entry some weeks ago, saying that I feel something "serious" happened and that I hope I will manage it without crying... well I didn't.
I don't know how long this will last, but right now I feel like:

I hate it when I don't get any feedback. I wasn't pushing things, I did nothing wrong.
But instead of being that cowardly asshole, you could've just said: No, thanks.
It would've been so much easier.

Yeah well.. maybe you're shy or didn't get it until now... but if so.. oh my, I don't need someone who does not sense and care about me.

(You won't read this anyway, but it feels better to adress you directly, at least here.. for I don't want to talk to you until... well it's unadvoidable.)

Ah yeah... that's the situation in short terms.
Right now I'm happy to have a work, where I don't need to handle people all day long and I'm being a good girl, learning for next week's re-exam.

If I should be harsh and bitchy the next time, pls try to ignore it, okay?
I'm sorry if this should hurt you.. but right now I just want to kick someones' asses.. no matter whose.

Over and out.
Take care.
qantaqa: (naminé - sad)
Really... sometimes I ask myself why things are like they are... and sometimes I can see the answer clearly, like tonight.

I break hearts without intention.
One the one hand there are nights, when I cry myself to sleep wishing for someone to hold on, for someone to love.
But on the other hand, I'm THE personated nihilism of feelings.
I'm a thinker, I'm a head-person when it comes to feelings, which is pretty retarded... because it's about feelings.
Anyways.. when I'm done thinking about feelings or the possibility of them, and came to a conclusion, I stick to it. No matter what.
Maybe this is bad, but it also saved me from problems. At least I think so, hah.

I didn't want to hurt anyone, I never want to hurt anyone. But this night... oh lol, this is so bad, that I can only laugh about it... I hurt two people.
One of them pretty bad. But I think (THINK THINK THINK!) it's better that way. At least right now.
When I try to explain my feelings to others, it always ends up sounding harsh... I don't want that. But when I try to explain my circle of thoughts, everybody just gives up. They can't follow me. For me it sounds pretty understandable, but the looks of the people in front of me tell me the complete opposite. So I end up saying one or two sentences, trying to fit all my feelings in, and it always ends with people crying or looking like they're about to start to do so.

I guess this is something one could start to work on. *roll eyes*

Okay.. other story:
btw I was at the Pony Club tonight, for those of you who don't know: google it ;D
There was a girl who was pretty nice. Well... she seemed to be cool with me, until she asked: "Lesbian or hetero?" lol... and I was like "Uhm.. bi." (yeah now come and bash me!) and oh my gawd o_O Lesbians are SO full of prejudices, it's almost hilarious.
- "Your last relationship was with a man, right?" ---> uhm nope?!
- "Oh with a woman? How long did it last? 2 weeks?" ---> uhm nope.. actually it was like 3 months.
- "Uh? Then I guess.. she dumped you?" --> uhm... nope.
- "RLY?! And.. uhm right now, do you want a girl or a boy?" --> (If I had had a desk there, I would've headdesked SO hard!) I don't plan those things, you know?!
Blah. She kissed me, I kissed her back, just.. well because I wanted to see if anything happens. Yeah, sometimes it works, at least this is what people told me.. but oh uhm in this case, it didn't.
She really tried to... get in touch with me, let's say it like that, but I denied... friendly, I think.
She was really pissed... I mean, okay it seemed she only wanted to have someone to fuck *coughs* but I guess I kinda hurt her, because she well looked hurt. Hm. ^^"

But oh well, the person who was the REAL poor one this night, was Bambi. Poor him.. he had to take all the questions considering me and my oh so complicated feelings from three persons.
*pets Bambi* I'm sorry for that. Really.

Well... what's the purpose of this entry? I dunno. Just wanted to write that down.

Have a good night, dudes.
qantaqa: (naminé - sad)
that I'm not able to turn back time... or at least "help" in kinda way.

A very close friend of mine just phoned me. Her mother died yesterday.
This sucks so much.
I always liked her mum... We even talked on the phone.
Stef is so strong.. when she phoned me there was only one second when her voice broke. Gah. I will go visit her later... it's only the fact that I can cuddle her.
Cuddling.. the only thing one can do to comfort a friend in hurt.
I hate this feeling... of not being able to do anything.

Damn... this day started as such a good one. T_T


Jul. 6th, 2008 07:20 pm
qantaqa: (r0x - teeeh cuteness)
Tomcat Piet's appearance describes wonderfully, how I feel today:

Hehe :D
All I wanna do is lying around and relax and... watch D. Gray-Man *_____*
Daaaammit, this series gets better with every single episode.
*coughs* Okay, more about that later on.
... )

Yeah! u_U;;

Jul. 4th, 2008 12:05 pm
qantaqa: (Cloud <3)
Maaaan, I guess I'm getting really old!
Since yesterday my right hand hurts and I can't move my wrist properly, which sucks pretty much.
I mean, I'm left-handed anyway.. okay, lie, I use both hands, but maaaan it's hard if you can't cut cucumbers or use the keyboard or even carry books u_U;;
I donnu why it hurts, but it seems my chords are angry ;____;
Hope it will be gone tomorrow, otherwise I got to see the doctor >___<

Ngaaaah actually I wanted to go to the library and work for my presentation, but without the ability to carry books around and an "ouuuuch"-feeling all the time, I'm not in mood for it. So I will read some stuff for the exam I have on the computer - yay! Only one hand needed. I'm even writing with only my left hand right now. This is hard, man!

[offtopic] Eliii <3 ich hab grad mal wieder unser RPG gelesen *______*;;
Zu kacke, dass du dich ausgetragen hast. Falls du mal wieder Bock haben solltest, sach bescheid ey.. Ich glaub ich bin jetzt sogar in der Lage, Kanda so "richtig" zu spielen ;) [/offtopic]
qantaqa: (Kai-ava)
I just listened to some Disney-songs....
Megara's "I won't say (I'm in love)" ("Ich will keinen Mann") brought some memories back...
2005 when I was on stage as Naminé together with Alex and Steffen as Sora and Riku at the Connichi and sang a self-created version of it...
Bah shit... ;________;
I couldn't do anything about it... I started to cry...
Ah and right now there are tears in my eyes, too.
It's such a precious memory for me... and well it hurts everytime, when I realize that these times are over ;_________________;

Sometimes I wish that nothing would have ever changed... but I can't avoid the facts.
It was the first time I ever cosplayed, it was the first time I sang in front of a crowd.. alone and then together with two of my best friends...
At this time I thought that this will last forever... but only a year later everything was broken.
Hah... hmmm but somehow I know that this isn't a thing that I can rebuild.
Sometimes friendships decay and it's better to let it stay this way, cause the concerned people are too different. *sigh*

Bah fack this away. I wanna sing now~
qantaqa: (L_chair)
Oh my fackin Gaysus o_O;;;
Sewing is noooooooo good... if you end up like me every time you sewed, DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN.

What am I talking about, actually?
Hm lovely crap --- let's continue XD;;;

1st: Fleur Delacour's trousers: FINISHED <3 yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaha and I like 'em :D
2nd: My butt hurts *explodes cuz of laughing* Seriously dudes, when I sat like 12 hours in front of the sewing machine yesterday, it must've had an effect on my muscles... buuuttmuscles LAWL... Oh my, I'm no good, sorry. XD
It's just because I watched "Boys Love" this morning... and dudes... this film S.U.C.K.S. I mean... the ending, wtf hellooo? Okay, it was obvious that this would happen sooner or later, but... HOW it happened was just hilarious: "Oh daaamn he stabbed me... now I'm bleeding. Look my blood's like strawberry jam. Sorry.. I must die ~eeerk~" or what?! >___>"""
3rd: Hey.. this film really had a bad influence on me (Shut up, biatch! It was the sewing... the seeeewing!) all my MSN-talks with Doci are... somehow perverted right now o_O;;; *angst*
Spring, anyone?! XD
4th: Tomorrow I will go to Lauchhammer to see my parents and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw cuddle my raburiiiiiiiii pets *_*~~~ I'm veeery looking forward to it <3
5th: Personal message for ELI ( [profile] abulic_puppet): Oi oi~ ich habe weder eine Ahnung wer du bist, noch einen Grund, mit dir zu reden. Eigentlich... aber KOMM HER, MANN. MIT WEM SOLL ICH SONST XXX EEEHM MICH PRÜGELN?!?!?! *das war der Cloud-Mode*
;D Ich weiß zwar nich so recht, was los ist... aber ich hoffe, du kommst bald wieder. *lauter schlimm glimmende Sterne losschick, die dich nerven sollen* <3

6th: I'm very happy about my planned Naruto[IZM]-evening/night/next day on Friday with my beloved ZGLP. YAY for beer, coke, ramen and... u-zu-ma-ki <3~~~
7th: I still don't see the point of this entry.. do you?! ^^"""
8th: ... I donnu what to say anymore. G00d Nite to all of you and... *kiiiisses much0 kiiisses*
(She is retarded, yo...)



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