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If I could be a real heart breaker...
Jan. 31st, 2010 04:12 amReally... sometimes I ask myself why things are like they are... and sometimes I can see the answer clearly, like tonight.
I break hearts without intention.
One the one hand there are nights, when I cry myself to sleep wishing for someone to hold on, for someone to love.
But on the other hand, I'm THE personated nihilism of feelings.
I'm a thinker, I'm a head-person when it comes to feelings, which is pretty retarded... because it's about feelings.
Anyways.. when I'm done thinking about feelings or the possibility of them, and came to a conclusion, I stick to it. No matter what.
Maybe this is bad, but it also saved me from problems. At least I think so, hah.
I didn't want to hurt anyone, I never want to hurt anyone. But this night... oh lol, this is so bad, that I can only laugh about it... I hurt two people.
One of them pretty bad. But I think (THINK THINK THINK!) it's better that way. At least right now.
When I try to explain my feelings to others, it always ends up sounding harsh... I don't want that. But when I try to explain my circle of thoughts, everybody just gives up. They can't follow me. For me it sounds pretty understandable, but the looks of the people in front of me tell me the complete opposite. So I end up saying one or two sentences, trying to fit all my feelings in, and it always ends with people crying or looking like they're about to start to do so.
I guess this is something one could start to work on. *roll eyes*
Okay.. other story:
btw I was at the Pony Club tonight, for those of you who don't know: google it ;D
There was a girl who was pretty nice. Well... she seemed to be cool with me, until she asked: "Lesbian or hetero?" lol... and I was like "Uhm.. bi." (yeah now come and bash me!) and oh my gawd o_O Lesbians are SO full of prejudices, it's almost hilarious.
- "Your last relationship was with a man, right?" ---> uhm nope?!
- "Oh with a woman? How long did it last? 2 weeks?" ---> uhm nope.. actually it was like 3 months.
- "Uh? Then I guess.. she dumped you?" --> uhm... nope.
- "RLY?! And.. uhm right now, do you want a girl or a boy?" --> (If I had had a desk there, I would've headdesked SO hard!) I don't plan those things, you know?!
....
Blah. She kissed me, I kissed her back, just.. well because I wanted to see if anything happens. Yeah, sometimes it works, at least this is what people told me.. but oh uhm in this case, it didn't.
She really tried to... get in touch with me, let's say it like that, but I denied... friendly, I think.
She was really pissed... I mean, okay it seemed she only wanted to have someone to fuck *coughs* but I guess I kinda hurt her, because she well looked hurt. Hm. ^^"
But oh well, the person who was the REAL poor one this night, was Bambi. Poor him.. he had to take all the questions considering me and my oh so complicated feelings from three persons.
*pets Bambi* I'm sorry for that. Really.
Well... what's the purpose of this entry? I dunno. Just wanted to write that down.
Have a good night, dudes.
I break hearts without intention.
One the one hand there are nights, when I cry myself to sleep wishing for someone to hold on, for someone to love.
But on the other hand, I'm THE personated nihilism of feelings.
I'm a thinker, I'm a head-person when it comes to feelings, which is pretty retarded... because it's about feelings.
Anyways.. when I'm done thinking about feelings or the possibility of them, and came to a conclusion, I stick to it. No matter what.
Maybe this is bad, but it also saved me from problems. At least I think so, hah.
I didn't want to hurt anyone, I never want to hurt anyone. But this night... oh lol, this is so bad, that I can only laugh about it... I hurt two people.
One of them pretty bad. But I think (THINK THINK THINK!) it's better that way. At least right now.
When I try to explain my feelings to others, it always ends up sounding harsh... I don't want that. But when I try to explain my circle of thoughts, everybody just gives up. They can't follow me. For me it sounds pretty understandable, but the looks of the people in front of me tell me the complete opposite. So I end up saying one or two sentences, trying to fit all my feelings in, and it always ends with people crying or looking like they're about to start to do so.
I guess this is something one could start to work on. *roll eyes*
Okay.. other story:
btw I was at the Pony Club tonight, for those of you who don't know: google it ;D
There was a girl who was pretty nice. Well... she seemed to be cool with me, until she asked: "Lesbian or hetero?" lol... and I was like "Uhm.. bi." (yeah now come and bash me!) and oh my gawd o_O Lesbians are SO full of prejudices, it's almost hilarious.
- "Your last relationship was with a man, right?" ---> uhm nope?!
- "Oh with a woman? How long did it last? 2 weeks?" ---> uhm nope.. actually it was like 3 months.
- "Uh? Then I guess.. she dumped you?" --> uhm... nope.
- "RLY?! And.. uhm right now, do you want a girl or a boy?" --> (If I had had a desk there, I would've headdesked SO hard!) I don't plan those things, you know?!
....
Blah. She kissed me, I kissed her back, just.. well because I wanted to see if anything happens. Yeah, sometimes it works, at least this is what people told me.. but oh uhm in this case, it didn't.
She really tried to... get in touch with me, let's say it like that, but I denied... friendly, I think.
She was really pissed... I mean, okay it seemed she only wanted to have someone to fuck *coughs* but I guess I kinda hurt her, because she well looked hurt. Hm. ^^"
But oh well, the person who was the REAL poor one this night, was Bambi. Poor him.. he had to take all the questions considering me and my oh so complicated feelings from three persons.
*pets Bambi* I'm sorry for that. Really.
Well... what's the purpose of this entry? I dunno. Just wanted to write that down.
Have a good night, dudes.
